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Conundrum

Mon Sept 08 2014, 07:17PM

Registered Member #96 Joined: Thu Feb 09 2006, 05:37PM
Location: CI, Earth
Posts: 4062

The 101 things "Photonic" is not allowed to do at work.

(part 1)

1) Scribble down notes maniacally while muttering to himself about physics
2) Complain bitterly about the lack of consumables when there are plenty "out back"
3) Try to optimize workflow despite not (a) being a manager or (b) having a clue
4) Blame the strange habits of work computers on "his psychic powers"
5) Try and "repair" broken stuff at work using percussive maintenance
6) Wear a tinfoil hat to work after reading one dodgy online article on EMF sensitivity
7) Then deny it ever occurred despite photographic proof
8) Gesticulate wildly when explaining some obscure science news article
9) Take sick days due to geeky holidays like "May the Fourth" and "Roswell Crash Day"
10) Reconfigure the wiring on desks that aren't his "because it looks untidy"
11) Pilfer broken electronics from work skips/bins/etc
12) Then list the good bits on (insert auction site here) after putting the carcass back in the skip
13) Refer to sell by dates on food/drink as an Illuminati/Marxist/etc plot to impoverish people
14) Then shortly after phone in sick due to food poisoning
15) Quote famous scientists during work time randomly or after news article mentions said scientists
16) Bring a scale "physics package" model to work complete with blinkenlights and ominous blue countdown timer
17) Time lunch breaks to the nearest second using three different clocks just to be sure
18) Do the microwave plasma experiment using work's microwave and a dead CDROM or light bulb
19) When told off for dropping something, blame "fast gravity" or other pseudoscientific phenomena
20) Grow mould in his tea mug as a "science experiment" and still drink out of it afterwards
21) Blame his lack of success in engineering on counterfeit components purchased from dodgy suppliers
22) Then produce the charred remains of said components as "proof of the conspiracy"
23) Brag about how smart he is despite having the lowest work performance ever recorded
24) Suggest the use of tactical nuclear weapons as a solution to the world's various conflict zones
25) Leave photocopies of "The Anarchist Cookbook" around as light reading
26) Use dead or antique computer hardware as paperweights rather than disposing of it responsibly
27) Use any or all of the following words: Conspiracy, Illuminati, Kaboom, Headshot, Disaster, Zombie or Plague
28) Blame explainable computer issues on solar flares, viruses or malicious hackers with no proof whatsoever
29) Leave random boxes of purchased computer parts/chemicals/etc lying around at work without good reason
30) Then scuttle out the back at closing time saying "My precioussss" while clutching the box
31) Threaten to convert to Mormonism/Seventh Day Adventist/JW/etc just to avoid doing weekend work
32) Turn up late on random days then blame some near disaster in his basement lab
33) Show up blaming radiation sickness/poisoning/etc to cover up hacking induced lack of sleep or overhungness
34) Start obsessively checking incoming goods with his Geiger counter while muttering in Gutter Russian
35) Repeatedly threaten to resign over trivial matters of ontology or logic
36) Discuss any of his theories at work, no matter how brillant they might be. Especially antigravity.
37) Bring in some engineering project for others to "fix" then complain when they demolish it
38) Berate others for putting rubbish in the wrong bins, then "accidentally" put it all in the same bag
39) Cackle maniacally when on breaks
40) Especially when guests are around
41) Mention references from obscure sci-fi series which 99% of the population hasn't seen
42) Whistle the USB connection noise (Da-Dum) when an attractive IT lady walks past
43) Mock work colleagues old phones with comments like "OMG its the Phone that Time Forgot"..
44) Calculate things to the nearest fraction when there is no need
45) Find, purchase and give anonymously a Valentine's gift to a manager a copy of "The Little Red Book"
46) Refer to possible future events in the past tense ie. The Singularity
47) Race pallet trucks with the phrase "Great Scott, 8.8 miles an hour!"
48) Mention Internet memes in work time, especially risque ones
49) Refer to IBM made hard disks as "Death Stars"
50) Suggest that a manager may be descended from Homo erectus without the intervening evolutionary steps

Part 2 soon...

51) Refer to senior managers as "Snakeheads" (ST:SG1)
52) Blatantly flout the "No mobile phones" rule with a pre-1997 Motorolola "brick" just for the lulz
53) Then homebuild a "smart watch" that can send messages to his phone (see 52)
54) Refer to the works provided bus to/from events as "The Special Bus"
55) Superglue coins to floors in frequently travelled areas
56) Attempt to "fix" people's laptops, phones, etc during his lunch breaks then return them in a plastic bag in pieces
57) Pilfer seemingly abandoned items of food from the fridge because they are "out of date tomorrow"
58) People with IPhones are never, *ever* to be referred to as "IDrones".
59) Freezers are for food, not for defective hard drives marked "Cold Storage"
60) He does not have "The Ancient Gene".
61) There is no such thing as the "Man Period". So don't use it as an excuse for bad moods/clumsiness.

Thomas W

Mon Sept 08 2014, 09:16PM

Registered Member #3324 Joined: Sun Oct 17 2010, 06:57PM
Location:
Posts: 1276

Whos Photonic? As in PhotonicInduction?

Rather funny however XD

Ash Small

Tue Sept 09 2014, 12:56AM

Registered Member #3414 Joined: Sun Nov 14 2010, 05:05PM
Location: UK
Posts: 4245

39) Not allowed to cackle maniacly on breaks.........WTF are breaks for?????

Conundrum

Tue Sept 09 2014, 07:04AM

Registered Member #96 Joined: Thu Feb 09 2006, 05:37PM
Location: CI, Earth
Posts: 4062

Photonic is my IRC handle..

(yes I get confused with the other guy a lot, had to change it on some other channels)

hen918

Wed Sept 10 2014, 05:27PM

Registered Member #11591 Joined: Wed Mar 20 2013, 08:20PM
Location: UK
Posts: 556

I cannot think of any one of these things I don't do. (or shouldn't do)
* Sigh * I thought it was just me!

Conundrum

Thu Sept 11 2014, 07:49AM

Registered Member #96 Joined: Thu Feb 09 2006, 05:37PM
Location: CI, Earth
Posts: 4062

Added a few more.

Can't believe I actually got told off for tidying up, that is pretty high up on the "suck" scale.

Nik

Fri Sept 12 2014, 09:38AM

Registered Member #53 Joined: Thu Feb 09 2006, 04:31AM
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 638

I just recently bought myself a book for physics scribbles, everyone calls it "Nik's crazy book." They also took all the palet trucks away due to some incidents involving personel. Do you work for the same people that I work for?

Conundrum

Sat Sept 13 2014, 04:33AM

Registered Member #96 Joined: Thu Feb 09 2006, 05:37PM
Location: CI, Earth
Posts: 4062

Nope

Seems to be quite common to misuse trucks in this way, some places now make people take an exam.

Patrick

Sat Sept 13 2014, 04:47AM

Registered Member #2431 Joined: Tue Oct 13 2009, 09:47PM
Location: Chico, CA. USA
Posts: 5639

34) Start obsessively checking incoming goods with his Geiger counter while muttering in Gutter Russian

Whats "Gutter Russian ?"

Conundrum

Sat Sept 13 2014, 05:59AM

Registered Member #96 Joined: Thu Feb 09 2006, 05:37PM
Location: CI, Earth
Posts: 4062

Same as Gutter French, a dialect popular in Central Russia and used when dealing with suspect equipment especially vehicles. Hard to directly translate but your average Russian knows what you are trying to say

See

Also, never refer to vodka (wodka) as "Good for two things, degreasing engines and killing brain cells"...

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